TW: overdose attempt, death, general negativity

Hiii life update againnn. I AM NOT actually doing very well in the present so if you don't feel like reading a rant about it all feel free to click out of here!

I have been so so very stressed lately, IDEK what I should be blaming it for because there is just so much! It feels like everything in my life keeps shifting, and even if it is small shifts, it feels like so much at once! I feel kind of guilty for being so overwhelmed because I know there are people out there in way worse situations, that all my things feel a bit dramatic and silly. I think I might shift off of Instagram because I rant too much on my stories on there, and it makes me feel guilty for everybody seeing them =(.

I tried to quit my job about two weeks ago, but HR wasn't reading my emails so I didn't succeed. And my dad started telling me it was a bad idea to quit and people from work started saying they really wanted me to come back. I felt really stressed because I'd gotten switched to a different location I wasn't used to, and big changes like that just stress me out!!! I like to know what to expect. I like stability. Unfortunately that isn't convenient enough for everybody else, and neither is me quitting, so I reluctantly agreed to come back, only after trying to overdose on ibuprofen a few times.

After all that, I thought maybe the best thing I could do is just inflate my ego a bit about it. Changing my perspective to them desperately needing my help. Pretending I am the one with the control, that I can leave whenever I want if they inconvenience me. Unfortunately, that isn't quite true. Deep down I know I am scared like a dog. I am easily convinced with bribes and threats of being a disappointment. I rely on my dad financially. Even if I am emotionally disconnected from him, and and he hasn't really done much for me medically either, at the end of the day I am living in his house, under his rules, and I can lose that if he eventually decides he doesn't want me around anymore.

After going back to my job this week, I've found the work itself isn't too hard, but my body hurts a lot afterwards. My chest and back were hurting for hours yesterday and the day before. I keep getting stomachaches and headaches again.

In terms of other things, I also keep getting dizzy lately. Sometimes I get so dizzy that I can't get out of bed without feeling nauseous. I get so fatigued I struggle to get out of bed. Some days I will feel unable to do anything but sleep and wake up and sleep and wake up and sleep, but it seldom is THAT bad. One day I wanted to organize embroidery thread, thinking it would be fun. I was wrong, within a few minutes all the colors made me get super dizzy and I became nauseous and fatigued for the rest of that day as well as the following day. I do not know why this happens, I suspect it is a form of vertigo, but what do I know?! I also once went to a carnival. I was worried riding on the rides would make me sick, but as it turns out, even standing next to the rides was making me dizzy! Tragic. I spent almost the entire time dizzy just from existing there!

My older sibling also moved back in with my family today. This is alright, though a lot of things they do kind of stress me out. Their dynamic with our dad is also not really the most pleasant. My dad says a lot of very toxic things. And I just feel constant dread. He never has anything nice to say.

I keep having to bribe myself into staying alive. Coming up with anything I can to convince myself it will all be okay. But only one of my online friends messages me often, I have nobody IRL I can talk to without risking them telling my dad in some way (whether direct or indirect,) and I keep finding myself in personally stressful situations that I have no idea how to deal with in ways that don't include hurting myself until I am emotionally numb for a day or so. I have to keep grinding myself down until I am nothing left and it frustrates me. I have no identity, I have no fully healthy relationships, and I have no doctor. Sometimes I feel pain and hope it is something fatal. Sometimes when I am sick or in pain I will struggle to fall asleep, until eventually finding peace with the idea that I will die. It is always a bit awkward to wake up the next day, and then have to go about it all like normal as if nothing had happened the night before. It is weird to live as if you didn't spend the night hoping or wondering if you wouldn't wake back up.

Sometimes all I can do is be optimistic. I feel like I might come off more pessimistic, and often I am. But I kind of teeter-totter a bit. Often I find I am most optimistic after a spiral. When I feel I can die whenever I want, it makes living a little less scary. I can leave at any time!

And things really aren't so bad. I have a lot of skills. I have a passion to learn and create, and I grasp onto it tighter than anything. Even if nobody is as obsessed with me as I can be with others, people generally seem okay with me. Maybe not very amped to talk to me, but nobody has ever really told me I'm particularly unlikable. I just feel a bit paranoid sometimes. When I see other people always spending time with others, I can't help feeling a bit left out, especially when that same time isn't offered to me. I know jealousy is bad, and I don't know that its pleasant or useful for me to even say it. I do have people who I have positive interactions with! I just feel like they are interactions that they'd rather be having with somebody else. I feel like for most people, I am a side friend. It has felt this way for years, with almost everybody. Even my family, I just feel like I am on the side. I am not really anywhere. It is hard to not have a bad self esteem when almost nobody seems to desire me the way others desire them. I see how people will talk with others, and comment on others' posts, and respond to others' question boxes, and how people will treat them. When people share screenshots of discord servers their in, or messages. People sharing collaborations with friends. People posting about time spent with them. I am happy for them. I think everybody deserves those strong bonds and I am so glad they can find those and I do not want my own feelings to ruin that. But I can't help feeling a little broken and shattered and like something must be fundamentally wrong with me. Even in spaces or groups where I share something in common with people, its as if I am even too different there! It is like any category I fall into I still don't fit into it as well as everybody else.

I just have to keep trying. Everything is getting to me. It feels like a day can't go by where I am not miserable in some way. I feel so dramatic and like a crybaby or attention seeker about it though. I keep trying to suppress it all, but within days it all spills out again. I try to keep my agitation and negatvity inside, but it feels like it is overflowing. I keep putting tape over my cracks but the water pressure is too high and just sprays out again. Any chance I get to relax is bombarded with whatever sudden plans other people have for me. Any time I try and tell people what upsets me it is like nobody hears me.

I am at a point where I can't go a month without trying to do something terrible to myself. Indulgences and distractions and treating myself is all I can do to keep me happy enough. I am just so overwhelmed with everything, and I don't have medical help, nor many people I feel close enough that venting doesn't feel wrong, nor many people who would even see my messages quick enough for my feelings to even mean anything.

And I hope it is clear, it isn't because they are bad people. My online friends are some of the sweetest, most entertaining, most compassionate people I know. They are talented, they are fun, and they are very kind to me in our interactions. I just worry that the closer people get to me I will just ruin them with all my negativity. I try hard to be publicly kind and optimistic, and I try my best to stay friendly and kind in messages with people, because I really do not want anybody to think it is their fault if something unfortunate happens to me, because I don't think anybody deserves that sort of burden. I just feel like I am somebody who can't be fixed, and I feel like the burden of helping me is not fair to expect of anybody, let alone people I don't talk to all that much.

Anyways. All this being said, I hope nobody has actually read this, I just needed to vent I think, and I feel this is too heavy to just dump onto somebody. I don't want anybody to struggle with how to respond to this. Because I don't know that there is anything that can be done to solve these things. I can only really appreciate the things I have and hope my brain fixes itself soon. I just gotta stay optimistic, keep working, try to maintain a decent attitude, etc. It will be okay in the end. If anybody read all this, thank you? And I am sorry for the long vent, hopefully my next life update will be more positive, haha! I do like this posting template I made though!!! It is nice to me, even if very simple.